So this marks my first official “mom” blog post. Finding the ever fleeting “mom balance” lies ahead.
Since the launch of Pish to Posh I have tried to keep Declan separate but I have learned time and time again that, for me, I can not do that. Declan is my world…. Declan is my grounding rock and on some days my only friend. Declan makes me laugh harder and love more intensely than I ever imagined. He reminds me to slow down and look at life through the lens of a child; very matter of fact like. There is no subjective undertone when he is talking to me and asking me questions, he has no hidden agenda- he is only three. I crave to spend time with Declan and I have the worst FOMS (fear of missing something) as a mother. I want to be there at every step of his growth, I want to be the one to teach him everything he knows. I never want to see him fail and I so desperately want to be involved in EVERY single aspect of his life ….except when I don’t.
And that my friends is real life.
Sometimes I want to run away and never look back. There are days where I question every life decision I have made that has led me to the point where I am having another conversation as to why we can’t flush the dog down the toilet. Believe it or not sometimes I want to sit down and eat dinner without a continous battle over whether one or two bites is enough to earn a cookie. There are days where I would love to read a book without having trains, trucks and dinosaurs trampling me. And do you know what I would give to drink a cup of coffee or wine uninterrupted???? I am not the parent who is obsessed with their child. I am obsessed with being a mother and I am obsessed with providing the very best for my child but I am the first to admit that I crave balance between being a mother and being a woman. There is nothing I want more in life than to love and spoil my son… the appropriate amount. I am not that mom. Does that make me a bad mom??? Sometimes it may seem that way and some may say it does but for me finding the balance is the only way I can continue to strive to be the best mother for Declan.
Photos: Jenna Sparks Photography
I am by no means an expert on parenting but I can say with a lot of confidence that I am an expert on parenting Declan. There is no one who knows him like I do, there is no one who gives up as much as I do and there is no one who loves him like I do. And because of that I know that the balance we have of time together and time apart is what keeps our relationship strong. It is because I know him so well that I understand he needs socialization and play, it is because I give up so much that I allow myself to take time to nurture my soul and it is because I love him so much that I seek time without him. Love makes the heart grow fonder and I find the more I miss Declan the more I crave to be with him.
Some of you know but many do not that Declan had serious medical issues at birth ( a whole other blog post to come) but an immediate and overwhelming need to protect and care for my son was thrown upon me as he was rushed to the NICU, after an unplanned immediate c-section, where he lived for 4 long weeks. My path as a mother lead me to quit my job and stay home with Declan. The first 18 months were challenging to say the least (my goal is not to attract sympathy but to provide background). However out of those months we formed a bond that I am confident we would not have if it not been for his medical issues. HOWEVER, now that he is a 100% healthy, thriving, inquisitive, mischievous and flourishing toddler it is time for us to figure out what the next chapter holds. Our bond as mother and son is unbreakable so I am not afraid to create some space… for both of us to learn… for both of us to grow… to find some balance and for both of us to bloom.
I hope that with these new “mom blog” posts you will continue to see the message behind my writing and that you come to expect the same honest and truthful nature I try to capture each week. Writing about motherhood is harder than I had anticipated but I want to be authentic in this space. It is less about the fashion (although Declan is a total ham in front of the camera) and more about my desire to connect with each of you on some level. I know that not all of you are mothers but I hope, even you, will come back each week for a little insight into my everyday world as a women, blogger and MOTHER.