When do you decide to let it go? How long do hold onto something than is no longer in your grasp? Living on the fumes of our memories from London and in the haste of an abrupt move has left me holding onto something that I fear needs to be let free. It used to be more frequent but even 5 months later I get this sensation of unsettled feelings; I become overwhelmed with emotion as I am brought back, through my memories, of our life in London. So many people have asked “what was it about that city that made you so happy” and the honest truth is…. I don’t know.
Sometimes I think it was the tiny flat we lived in and the fact we survived on just what we had and the desire for “more” was never about space, objects or possessions. Sometimes I think it was the abundance of opportunities of daily exploration in a city rich with history, culture and pride. Sometimes I think it was the freedom of failure and success that rested solely on our shoulders and there was no obligation to share those moments. Sometimes I think it was the neighborhood we lived in where we were able to feel grounded, establish a happy routine yet the world was at our fingertips.
Over the last several months I have been searching for the same amount of happiness I felt in London- we have considered moving again, we have talked about changing our family, we have discussed spending summers in London…but the reality is none of those things will make me happy. I am to the point that I believe my holding onto a past is at the root of my inability to find grounded happiness here in Colorado.
I miss London. But I miss being blissfully happy even more. If I am continuously yearning and constantly thinking about the past than I am not allowing myself and open heart or mind to accept my present life. And not just accept but to be happy. Acceptance is step one and I am there. I know we are here. The next step is to put those memories, experiences and adventures in a safe place close to my heart where they will remain forever. Thus allowing my heart to be open and clear to find the happiness waiting for me here in Colorado. I know it is here.. but I have been so clouded by the past I have not seen it… truthfully I have not been looking. I am perpetually living in the past- even if it is just a few times a month- I need to be present here in this moment. I owe myself this opportunity. Finding happiness in my life now does not lessen or diminish the memories of London, it does not mean I can not look back fondly nor does it take away from the experience. Finding happiness here actually validates our time in London… I learned a lot and changed so much- time to act on those principles.
Photos: Jenna Sparks Photography
I am in love with white denim as you can tell from this recent post <here> and this one <here> but I am also loving this flowy tunic top from Free People. Denver can get pretty hot in the summer but mornings and evenings are cool and this look is perfect for the changing temperatures. These white denim are an absolute staple and I believe everyone should have at least one pair of white denim so I have linked several pairs. This blue top has been simply amazing and for those who travel it packs really well. It’s breezy which makes it easy to wear on warmer days.
My dainty “D” initial necklace was my birthday gift from Brendan and I have yet to take it off.. .you have been seeing it in all my Instagram (make sure you are following me) photos! I love how small and subtle it is but has the perfect amount of bling with the diamond encrusted initial.
P.S.- had some technical difficulties with the links and trying to make them a different color- so everything is linked below in the picture shop widget- sorry!
the signs it is time
The latest terror attack in London.
Going to a play where all the actors were British and it took place in the U.K.
All of our boxes arriving from London.
My son continuing to call me “Mummy”
If I look around London is such a part of my everyday life- without me even realizing it. I no longer need to live in the past. The memories and experiences will and do live on in my life- the art on the wall- the way Declan says my name- the family photos we have- the stamps in my passport- the key to our flat I wear as a necklace- the clothes I bought there- the food we smuggled in and slowly treat ourselves to– its the small subtle things. It is time. London is not lost to me and despite the tears I cried while writing this I am ready.
My hear it open and happy.